I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
