In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We're too hungover to prance.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
