we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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