I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
