I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
