did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
