i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
