Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
