my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
