where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high