Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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