When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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