eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.