we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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