1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
