My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
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I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.