she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone