my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
