I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister