he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
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You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.