Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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