Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
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You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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