just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
