I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
