3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
