I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
