If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
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I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
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It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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