I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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