my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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