It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
