You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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