Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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