Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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