Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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