soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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