My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
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If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
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I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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