i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
