Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
