I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
