I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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