haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
