life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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