You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
