All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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