i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
