I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
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it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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