So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my being single is dangerous.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
