Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
