i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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