I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
