I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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