Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
