I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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