I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
