and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
