I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
