so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
