you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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