I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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