I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
