My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
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it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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