before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
