wat bout pragnant strippers??
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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