This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
