i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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